The mask almost sunk me, but I allowed myself to properly process what I had been holding in for all of those months. The sadness and mourning for sure, but the guilt of studying for an insignificant calculus exam rather than properly acknowledge my complex feelings was almost unbearable. Nine months later, after news about the driver's prison sentence got back to me, it all hit me like a truck. I got the call while studying for a calculus midterm, hung up after the phone call was over, and, because I didn’t know what else to do, went back to studying.

In March of 2018, two of my friends from home were killed by a drunk driver. I’ll give an example of my own struggles with my secret identity. We want to appear that “nothing is wrong with us” both to avoid the subject with our friends and in an attempt to convince ourselves that nothing is wrong. We do this to appear to put distance between us and the disappointment. Some people, like myself, maintain a curtain over the emotions that come with disappointment- anger, sadness, mourning. We, as humans, are often disappointed at various points in our lives. While I’ve spoken metaphorically about superheroes, the danger exists in real life too. The confusion leads to an identity crisis for our heroes and soon leads to their tragic downfalls. They become so invested in keeping up the identity that they proclaim it as their “real identity,” and ignore the actual (and far more disappointing) reality they’re trying to leave. One of the things superheroes struggle with as they go deeper into their hero careers is distinguishing between their secret identity life and their real, non-hero, life. A secret identity, if you will (sorry, big superhero nerd). My appearance in having everything “put together” is just that, nothing more than a special effects façade designed to keep people from getting too curious. Someone who has been wearing a mask long before we had ever heard of COVID-19. Someone who has a serious issue with taking minor slights way too personally. Someone who has struggled with processing and expressing emotions. Inside this quiet, yet somehow seemingly confident (I truly don’t know where she got that), person is someone who is often plagued with doubts about his worth, his place at this university, where he stands with other people, and his future capabilities, among so many other things. “You seem like you’re so unbothered, that you are always sure of yourself” When I responded with a face akin to the Nick Young meme, laughing, she clarified.

If you're reading this, you don't have to have it all put together.

My secret identity worth watching